I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
