Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
