just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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