you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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