im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
BRING THE BAGELS
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