OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
