You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
