Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
