you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
