just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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