I can tuck mytits in my pants
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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