well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Drake has all the answers
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
