in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
