if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
