I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
