Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
