Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
