I can text with my tongue
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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