I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
