Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
