can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
