Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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