the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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