I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
