So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
