im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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