the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
