One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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