First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
