just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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