I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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