fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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