So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
