Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
