Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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