As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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