I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
