and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
