mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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