I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
