Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
