i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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