i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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