so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
