Moan for me like Helen Keller
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
