I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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