Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
