Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
