Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
