Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
